Looking through a glass

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine shared this on her facebook page:

"I remember after my sister died I felt like I was behind glass-- disconnectedly watching everyone live their lives while I could barely get out of bed. I would see posts about funny things, people on vacation, etc. and it was hard to reconcile that while my heart was breaking, people were having fun and simply living their lives. Today, I am reminded that many of YOU are reading the silly things I post and YOU are "behind the glass": I sincerely hope you know that you are seen, loved, and being prayed for."

See, my friend Jenny lost her sister one year before I lost my dad.  She has been an amazing encouragement to me throughout the past few months and what said above hits the nail on the head.

Over the past 2 months, grief has weighed heavy.  It is an unwelcomed path that I did not choose.  I think it is difficult for others to understand looking in from the outside.  See, it's not something that just goes away but, rather, it is a deep, deep wound that begins to heal just slightly before a memory; a song; even words from a well meaning person rips the wound back open and you realize that there is a gaping hole in your life that really, can never be filled.

 I believe that sometimes there are those who think there is a timeline to grief; that it is time to "move on" but for those who suffer the loss, there is no time line.  Sure, life moves on and you will see me and my family doing things like going to the beach, going camping, enjoying activities on the Fourth of July yet, just beyond the smiles are tears that come out of no where; or shadows of memories of what used to be and the thoughts of what you wish still was. 

There are days that I can make it through the entire day without feeling like my heart is aching or my eyes shed tears I didn't realize were there but then there are days where I can barely breath; where I sigh deeply or struggle to take a deep breath because the overwhelming loss sits heavy on my chest.  There is anger and the ongoing question of "why" whispered between the quiet statements of "Yes, God I trust in you".  I know what is good and what is right in God's eyes but it doesn't erase the ache of hurt.  Don't expect those hurting from loss to "just move on" as it doesn't work that way.  Some days, every single moment brings a memory.

Like my friend shared, there are days that I only get out of bed because I have responsibilities to take care of; there are days that I struggle to make it through the day because my strength is gone.  My dad meant the world to me; he was my biggest cheerleader and encourager. My husband and I always talked to him about everything whenever we got together with him and my boys, well, their Papa hung the moon and they loved sharing everything with him too.  Grief is a lonely road but I'm thankful that I loved so much that it hurts so much . . .

 

What we are Eating - M and M Bars

Chewy M and M Cookie Bars
adapted from Chew Out Loud

Recently, when planning food for a picnic,  I wanted to make a simple dessert.  Simple in the "making", "cooking" and packing.  Well, nothing is better to meet all of those items than a cookie bar and these M and M Bars did not disappoint.  Everyone, even my picky eater, loved them and they were gone within . . well a. .. a day!  

Ingredients

• 2¼ cups all purpose flour
• ½ tsp table salt
• ½ tsp baking soda
• 12 TB salted butter, melted
• 1 cup light brown sugar, packed
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• 1 large egg, room temp
• 1 large egg yolk, room temp
• 1 TB pure vanilla extract
• 1½ cups M&M's (holiday colors are great)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 325F with rack on lower middle position. Line a 9x13 baking pan with foil, with enough overhang on either side to make a sling (for ease of removal after baking.) Grease foil and set aside.
2. In a bowl, whisk togehter the flour, salt, and baking soda.
3. In another bowl, stir together the melted butter and both sugars. Stir in the egg and extra egg yolk. Stir in vanilla extract.
4. Using a rubber spatula, fold together the dry mixture into the wet mixture, just until incorporated. Do no overmix. Fold in 1 cup of the M&M's. Reserve the rest for pressing on top.
5. Using slightly wet fingers, press dough into an even layer in the greased and foiled pan, making sure to get an even thickness throughout. Press remaining M&M's on top of dough.
6. Bake 25-28 minutes or just until it's puffy and golden brown. It may seem a bit underbaked, but go ahead and take it out. It will set nicely upon cooling.
7. Let cool completely at room temp before removing with the foil sling. Remove entire dessert with the foil sling and place on a cutting board. Cut into squares. Leftovers will keep for days at room temp in an airtight container.

 

Summer Fun - June 28

Monday and Tuesday - We had planned fun because we were camping!  It's our first camping trip of the season and it was so much fun.  The weather was near perfect and the kids found lots of friends to play with too.

Wednesday - Today was a "recovery day".  After a busy weekend, I needed a day to "recover" the house and get things put away.  I also needed to do an inventory of food items for meals the rest of the week, go to the laundermat, plan the grocery list for the coming weekend and just get my normal lists made for the week. I managed to fit in something "fun" while the clothes were washing at the laundermat.  I grabbed a coffee (thanks to that wonderful gift card I've been able to use the past few weeks!) and took the kids to a little park across from the coffee shop.  They got to play for about 40 minutes and I enjoyed my coffee and book.

Thursday -So, for fun today we went . .back to the park :-)  We had to run to the store for a few things and I realized I had just enough left on my gift card to get one more coffee so, of course, it made perfect sense to get a coffee and go back to the park.  The kids had just under an hour to play which was perfect.  I also like doing park days when the weather is nice - not much warmer than about 80 degrees and no humidity.  Once the heat of the summer comes, parks are too hot!  I also printed a bunch of random 4th of July themed coloring pages which they enjoyed coloring throughout the afternoon.

Friday - Today it was just the boys and I.  The morning started with garage sale excitement as our neighbors were having a yard sale.  The boys made many trips back and forth and found many treasures.  We also picked up some fireworks to set off at home, made monkey bread to snack on and enjoyed our towns huge fireworks show from our front porch.  It was a fun day!

I think all in all, this was another great week of summer.

Happy 4th of July

We are enjoying a wonderful holiday weekend with family, both Darryl's and Mine.  I hope that you are all enjoying the Holiday as well!! 

My Playlist

This weeks song is "Its About the Cross" by the Ball Brothers.  Darryl, the boys, my mom and I had the privilage of seeing the Ball Brothers in concert recently and they are just amazing.  This song is one I heard around Easter and it has such a powerful meaning.  It has taken on a greater meaning as it was played at my Dad's funeral.  This is the message he would want others to hear.  My son, Josh, has it memorized and I will often hear him singing it quietly while he plays a game. 

Family Fun - Christmas

It seems kind of fitting that we are at the half-way point of 2016 and I'm just now writing about Christmas HA!

I will say that we had a wonderful Christmas 2015.  It's the first time in three years that either the boys or I or all three of us haven't been super sick.  I'm even more thankful for that fact now as we didn't realize at the time the major changes our family would go through and we wouldn't have another Christmas like this one again.  It also make some of this photos extra special.  

 The boys stockings.  I always have fun with their stockings and end up going over budget and with more stuff than will fit inside but that's ok. 

 My brother Ken and his family joined us this year and it was just so much fun.  We laughed and laughed.  These pictures of my dad are precious. 

 Ken and my mom. 

 The boys love my brother.  I haven't quite figured out why since he doesn't do a whole lot other than talk to them :-)

Braedon is Josh's hero.  He loves him and wants to just hang out with him whenever he can.  I think it's pretty cool and Braedon is pretty awesome because he takes time to actually listen to Josh and play with him.

Our day was great - we had a good breakfast, opened gifts for hours (that's what happens when there are so many in one house), had a fabulous dinner and hung out playing games and talking.  I would chalk it up as pretty much a perfect day.

Weekly Menu - It's 4th of July!

Can you believe that we are at the unofficial halfway point of summer (or it is official . . .).  I can't.  June was busy which made it go fast.  We have some family stuff planned over the weekend and I think the kids will end up being with my mom for a few days too.  So, here's my half way planned - little bit sketchy menu.

Friday - After leftovers and eating stuff to clean out the cupboards/fridge and freezer I figure I need to plan something.  So, to keep things simple (and tasty) burgers on the grill, fries w/cheese sauce, and fried zucchini. Tonight is also our town fireworks so we also have Monkey Bread, Goldfish, and popcorn!

Saturday - My mother-in-law is hosting her annual 4th of July picnic so we are heading there for the day.  I think I'll make the Summer Corn Salad that we love, Cucumbers in Vinegar because I love them, Chips and Dip, and some sort of dessert.

Sunday - Monday - We will be at my mom's house.  My brother, Ken, and his family will be there too so we are having a picnic on Monday.  I'm making the Strawberry Pretzel Salad.

Tuesday - Thursday - I think the boys will be staying with my mom for a few days so . . .you know what that means :-)  I won't be cooking!! (Seriously, one night, we are going to our favorite Mexican place!!)

I think after this week, we will have some semi-normal weeks throughout July.