Thursday, July 7, 2016

Looking through a glass

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine shared this on her facebook page:

"I remember after my sister died I felt like I was behind glass-- disconnectedly watching everyone live their lives while I could barely get out of bed. I would see posts about funny things, people on vacation, etc. and it was hard to reconcile that while my heart was breaking, people were having fun and simply living their lives. Today, I am reminded that many of YOU are reading the silly things I post and YOU are "behind the glass": I sincerely hope you know that you are seen, loved, and being prayed for."

See, my friend Jenny lost her sister one year before I lost my dad.  She has been an amazing encouragement to me throughout the past few months and what said above hits the nail on the head.

Over the past 2 months, grief has weighed heavy.  It is an unwelcomed path that I did not choose.  I think it is difficult for others to understand looking in from the outside.  See, it's not something that just goes away but, rather, it is a deep, deep wound that begins to heal just slightly before a memory; a song; even words from a well meaning person rips the wound back open and you realize that there is a gaping hole in your life that really, can never be filled.

 I believe that sometimes there are those who think there is a timeline to grief; that it is time to "move on" but for those who suffer the loss, there is no time line.  Sure, life moves on and you will see me and my family doing things like going to the beach, going camping, enjoying activities on the Fourth of July yet, just beyond the smiles are tears that come out of no where; or shadows of memories of what used to be and the thoughts of what you wish still was. 
There are days that I can make it through the entire day without feeling like my heart is aching or my eyes shed tears I didn't realize were there but then there are days where I can barely breath; where I sigh deeply or struggle to take a deep breath because the overwhelming loss sits heavy on my chest.  There is anger and the ongoing question of "why" whispered between the quiet statements of "Yes, God I trust in you".  I know what is good and what is right in God's eyes but it doesn't erase the ache of hurt.  Don't expect those hurting from loss to "just move on" as it doesn't work that way.  Some days, every single moment brings a memory.

Like my friend shared, there are days that I only get out of bed because I have responsibilities to take care of; there are days that I struggle to make it through the day because my strength is gone.  My dad meant the world to me; he was my biggest cheerleader and encourager. My husband and I always talked to him about everything whenever we got together with him and my boys, well, their Papa hung the moon and they loved sharing everything with him too.  Grief is a lonely road but I'm thankful that I loved so much that it hurts so much . . .


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