Monday, June 12, 2017

Grief - The Shadows

Almost a year ago I wrote a Blog Post about being silenced by grief.  One of the profound things about grief is that it morphs into different creatures.  Sometimes daily; sometimes weekly; or something it just pops up out of no where.

Most recently, it has struck me that grief brings shadows.

Losing someone that you love leaves an emptiness but as time passes by that emptiness moves aside and what is left behind are dark shadows, often lurking just on the edges of life.  Think about a photo with shaded  edges - where everything is darker and just a little blurry.  The photo may show a happy family, enjoying life but those blurred edges represent lose and hurt.
As year one passes by and year two begins, I find that a person goes from the overwhelming since of what was lost to the sense of what is missing or, maybe it is really of what is being missed.  Baseball games - especially the very fist hit of the season; birthdays, the rebuilding of an Amp (My husband was working on his recently, using tools my dad gave him and made the comment of, "I really missed your dad today because he would have loved being part of this process). See, those things are the blurred edges of the photo - instead of full joy, there is sadness mixed with joy.
Even as there are glimpses of sunlight through the trees; as happy memories are made; life events happen; really, "Life" moves on . .. there is still that corner of darkness that no one really understands unless you have lost someone who brought life and light to daily lives. I personally find myself more profoundly impacted now when someone dies because I know the feeling of grief and I also know what they face in the days ahead.  Just a week or so ago, Dr. Bradley, our vet, passed away unexpectedly.  My heart hurt for his family - the son who ran his office and worked with him daily; his wife of 50 years; his daughter and grandchildren.  Dr. Bradley was an amazing vet and I am saddened by the loss but I am more saddened for his family and their loss.  I know that hurt and it's not fun.
In the midst of all of those shadows, though, is light.  God gives us light; He gives us strength.  Yes, I still struggle with Sundays and holidays and missing my dads laugh and wisdom.  Yet, I love hearing my kids talk about Papa and all of his wisdom he shared with them in their short years; or seeing them recently use the tools he gave them as a gift on that last Christmas.  I love hearing others tell stories or share quotes or wisdom he shared with them.

Truth be told, Grief is hard.