Sundays

Sundays have always been special days to me.  It goes back to my childhood when it was my "job" to wake my dad up from his nap on Sunday afternoons at 4:00 so he and I could go to the church and "study".  Well, he would study for his sermon on Sunday night and I would do a million different things.  I would practice the piano, teach myself how to play the organ, practice singing with soundtracks (always out of breath as I ran from the back of the church to the front, trying to beat the start of the song HA).  I would type all kinds of things, draw, color and read.  I probably bugged my dad a few times too but it was all part of our special time.

Sundays are really what my dad worked toward every single week.  Very seldom did he miss a Sunday because that was "his day".

He loved being a pastor, it is who he was created to be.

Sundays aren't so fun anymore, if I'm being honest.  I've really lost that joy in a day that always meant so much.  I was thinking about this past week as I sat through a church service I only went to because my kids begged to go to church.

1) It was on a Sunday that I gave my dad that last hug and kiss and waved goodbye as he drove away for the last time.  I would never get a chance to have "him" back again.

2) It was on those Sunday's in the hospital that I would sit beside his bedside, allowing my mom the ability to and freedom to walk away for a bit, and talked to him about life even though he couldn't respond.

3) It was on those Sunday's, again, that I would play the livefeed from Faith Baptist Church in Linden - "His church" - so he could hear the praise music and the preaching from two young men he cared for deeply, Pastor Daniel and Pastor Jay.

4) It was on a Sunday that I sat with my mom in my dad's room and watched his breathing become more shallow; where I listened as my mom whispered that it was ok; that she would be ok and he could go home.

5) It was late on a Sunday night when I got the call that my dad was gone.  It seemed fitting that it was on a Sunday . . .yet, it makes it hard.

I've found it difficult to return to church as I've known it.  The joy is gone. I'm not even sure I can explain it as I wake every Sunday and face the magnitude of what our family has lost.  I know our situation is unique because my dad was a pastor for so many years and impacted so many lives.  He is loved and missed by many.  That doesn't remove the fact that he belonged to "us"; to my mom, my brothers; their families . . .and now we are the ones facing the Sundays without him.  I know God is good; I know God is faithful but I still miss my dad.

For each person that grieves, the day or time is different that sits heavy on their hearts.  Maybe they spent every Monday night next to their loved one and now Monday nights are long and quiet; or maybe it was a Saturday morning phone call that is no longer given or received.  It doesn't matter the day or time; it is still a moment of loneliness; a void that can't be filled; an emptiness that is surprisingly shocking as it arrives each week.

Summer Fun - July 11th

Monday - This week started super busy!  I enrolled the boys into swimming lessons and today was their first lesson.  I loved watching them swim!  We then went on to haircuts, lunch out, the grocery store and Menards.  After dinner, the boys returned to Tae Kwon Do too!

 Joshua

Nathan

Tuesday - Our fun today continued with swimming lessons.  It is amazing how much they learn and how fast they learn it.  I had a few small things planned but after lunch the boys pulled out puzzles and games and then went outside so I just let them play.

Wednesday - Swimming lessons continue! After dinner, I took the boys to see The BFG while Darryl was at practice. It was an awesome movie - one of the best I've seen in quite awhile.

Thursday - Day four of swimming lessons :-)  Swimming gives us plenty of excitement each day.  Later in the day, the boys got the sprinkler out for more water fun.

Friday - The kids started the morning by getting out some toys they haven't played with in awhile :-) We met friends for bowling (we get to go free all summer!) and then a picnic lunch.  Friday night, we went swimming!

My Playlist

The choice this week from my playlist is a song by Twila Paris titled, "The Warrior is a Child."  This is a song that came out in the 80's so, yes it has been around for awhile but the words are still so true.

"Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right/But even winners can get wounded in the fight/People say that I’m amazing/Strong beyond my years/But they don’t see inside of me/I’m hiding all the tears." 

These words really struck home with me because I heard them over and over while walking through the weeks surrounding the circumstances with my dad.  I would hear, "You are so strong." or "I don't know how you are doing this" and really, it was a time where I just walked the road I was called to walk and trusted God to carry me through even when I was wounded by the battle and the tears were hiding.

Family Fun - January 2016 begins!

January 2016 started out with snow.  We are "quiet" New Year's Eve and New Year's Day people.  On New Years Eve, we enjoy some soups for dinner and then have snacks while we attempt to stay up until midnight.  This year, we decided to let the boys stay up.  Josh made it (barely) but Nate lost the battle to stay awake at 11:30.  We tried and tried to wake him back up at 11:58 but he was out cold HA!  New Years Day we hung around home, the boys played in the snow, and also worked on doing some cleaning up from Christmas.

 Yes, this is Josh outside without a shirt.  He said he was hot and wanted to go outside.  I think it is incredibly funny.

 Josh and Nate did both get dressed eventually and went outside to take down all of the Christmas decorations.  They worked hard and took care of it all for me.

Nate also helped me inside the house by vacuuming up lots of pine tree needles after we took the Christmas tree outside.

 Love this smile!  Josh missing his two front teeth.  I try to get pictures of the boys as they lose teeth so we can remember what they look like at each point!

 Nate showing off one of his gifts from Grandma LeBeck - homemade hats!  They hats make me laugh anytime either one of the boys ever wear them.

Two of Nate's birthday balloons.  He decided that he wanted to let the pink one go up to the stars so he was hugging his balloons.  The funny thing is that because it was so cold outside, the balloon went up just a little bit, over the neighbors fence, and then sunk to the ground.  I quietly sent a facebook message to my neighbor and asked her to throw it back over the fence.  She did and the boys freaked out because they couldn't figure out how it "found its way back home" HA!

So, January started out quiet as we slowly got back into our routine.

Weekly Menu

This has been a pretty normal week for us.  It was busy with Swim Lessons and starting back into TKD but for the most part, our evenings were spent at home.  This next week my mom is beginning a stay at a local campground so we are looking forward to a mix of meals with her as well.  Here's the plan for the coming week:

Friday:  Classic Spaghetti and Meatballs w/ Salad and Garlic Bread.  This is such a simple meal yet everyone loves it.  (Ok, it's not my favorite but sometimes I splurge and buy some fresh Alfredo Sauce and that makes me happy HA!)

Saturday:  Pizza.  Purchased and not made :-)

Sunday: Grilled Chicken Philly Sandwiches, Fried Zucchini, and roasted potatoes for after we get home from church.  My mom will be arriving this afternoon so, maybe after we get her set up, we will roast some hotdogs over the fire to start off her stay right!

Monday: The boys have TKD on Monday nights right now so Taco's is always the easy way out.  We can eat at different times without it being an issue.

Tuesday: Slow Cooker Enchiladas, Mexican Rice, and chips and cheese.

Wednesday:  The boys and I will head to my mom's for dinner most likely since my husband usually has practice on Wednesday evenings and eats in town.

Thursday: The kids are heading to my inlaw's for a few days so eating will be simple. 

Silenced

Silenced.

One of the profound statements that my husband made about 4 days after my dad had the strokes was simply these words: 

"He is silenced.  He has no voice." 

It was true.  If you knew my dad at all you know that he always had a voice.  He had words of wisdom, words that made you laugh or made you think.  He simply always had words.  He was filled with Biblical wisdom and stories of life.  He loved to talk about the things he loved and he always made everyone he met feel, well, loved and cared about. 

Then he was silenced.  A void that can never be filled. 

As I walked into the emergency room where my dad was being treated I was greeted by silence.  He was being given medication to try and reverse the effects of the stroke. 

Tuesday morning I was greeted by silence as his voice was restricted by tubes even though his eyes spoke volumes. 

He then suffered a second stroke and I saw the silence overtake him. 

He was silent as he was airlifted away.

He was silent as I rubbed his hair moments before he was taken into what we hoped would be a life saving surgery.

He was silent as the surgery did not go as planned due to unforeseen circumstances.

He was silent as he laid in a hospital bed and so many came to see him and pray.

He was silent as Jesus took him home to heaven.

He was silent.  His voice was gone. His voice is gone and is missed beyond measure.

I was silenced.  

My voice was used endlessly in the days following my dads stroke.  

I spent hours on the phone, sending texts, e-mails, and messages to family and friends trying to keep everyone up to date.

My voice began to disappear Tuesday afternoon as I called my brothers,  hour after hour, giving updates. 

My voice grew quieter due to stress and exhaustion. 

As I spoke to the surgeon and asked questions, my voice was a whisper. 

As the nurse took me aside and said,'I feel like you are in charge and I need to walk you through some things.", my voice was quiet. 

As I directed friends and family to the crisis room and answered questions, my voice grew faint.

Exhaustion took my voice. 

During the coming weeks and through the days and weeks following the funeral, I found my voice was often weak; quiet; a whisper at times.

I still find that I often don't have a voice.

I have sung in church since I was 13 years old but, I still cannot sing.  I can stand in church and listen to the songs but I cannot sing. 

The words are choked by tears as music touches my soul. Deeply. 

I cannot play the piano because my love of piano belongs to my dad. 

He is the one who found my piano teacher and even told her what song he wanted me to learn to play

He is the one who gave me that love. 

To play again is a deeply personal journey (one I must attack soon as I'm scheduled to play in a wedding)

Silence.  

It is not always golden. 

It is grief.  Sadness. Emptiness. 

It is healing. 

You might see me standing in church quietly.  

It is healing.

You might see me sitting at an event and quietly looking into the distance as the world goes by.

It is healing.

You might see tears run down my cheek as something as "simple" as Aero-med flies overhead.

It is memories. It is grief. It is healing. 

I know I will regain my voice.  Healing will come but for now . . . 

Silence.

What We are Eating - Hot Corn Dip

Hot Corn Dip
adapted From The Pioneer Woman

In planning our camping trip recently, I wanted to find something that I could throw in the crock pot while we were setting up and have ready to eat in just a few hours.  We planned on cooking Brats and Hot Dogs for dinner so a dip sounded great and when I came across this recipe it sounded too good to pass by.  It did not disappoint. A few things I did differently than the recipe:  I boiled the corn instead of grilling it.  I only added red pepper (I don't care for the taste of cooked green pepper) and I did not add any Jalapeno.  One thing to note, if you don't like the southwest flavor of Green Chillies, well, this dip is not for you :-)  We happen to love them so it was fantastic!

Ingredients; 

• 5 ears Corn
• Vegetable Oil For Brushing
• Salt And Pepper, to taste
• 1  HALF Red Onion, Diced
• 2 cloves Garlic, Minced
• 1 whole Red Bell Pepper, Seeded And Diced
• 1 whole Green Bell Pepper, Seeded And Diced
• 1 whole Fresh Jalapeno, Seeded And Diced Fine (scrap Out Half The Seeds And Membranes)
• 2 Tablespoons Butter
• 8 ounces, weight Cream Cheese, Softened
• 1/2 cup Mayonnaise
• 1/2 cup Sour Cream
• 1 pound Monterey Jack Cheese, Grated
• 2 whole Green Onions, Sliced
• Chili Powder, For Sprinkling
• 1 can (4 Ounces) Diced Green Chilies

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Brush the corn cobs with vegetable oil, sprinkle with a little salt, and place on a grill pan for about 10 minutes, turning constantly. Remove it from the heat to cool. Cut the kernels off the cobs once they're cool enough to handle.

In a large skillet over medium heat, melt the butter and add the onion, garlic, bell peppers, and jalapeno. Stir and cook for 5 minutes, until the veggies are soft and golden. Remove the skillet from the heat to let the veggies cool slightly.

In a mixer, combine the cream cheese, mayo, sour cream, and 2/3 of the Monterey Jack. Mix with the paddle attachment on low until combined. Add the green onions, the veggie mixture, the corn, and the green chilies. Mix on low until just combined.

Spread the mixture in a baking dish and sprinkle with the rest of the Monterey Jack. Bake for 20 to 22 minutes, until bubbly and golden. Remove from the oven and serve warm with tortilla chips!